53. Lengthen your fuse: incivility destroys connection.
Is it my imagination, or have people’s fuses been getting steadily shorter?
Data point of the week
Harvard Business Review (HBR) has polled thousands of employees over more than a decade, asking about how they’re treated on the job.
98% reported experiencing uncivil behavior.
Half said they were treated rudely at least once a week. This number doubled between 1998 and 2011.
That’s a lot of rudeness at work, especially considering the impact it has on psychological safety, trust, and employee connection … not to mention the bottom line! HBR’s research showed that when employees experience incivility:
Almost half intentionally decrease their work effort (48%) and time at work (47%).
Two thirds say that their performance declines (66%).
Three quarters say that their commitment to the organization declines (78%).
12% left their job because of the uncivil treatment.
Reflection
I’ve experienced work incivility firsthand and found myself nodding at most of those statistics. What researchers don’t ask about—that also take a hit—are workplace relationships and overall well-being.
But rudeness and incivility aren’t limited to the workplace. I’ve witnessed an increase in strangers being rude to each other (or me) in public. Someone honking at me because I crossed the street too slowly. (Will they just run me over when I'm old and need more time to get to the other side?) Someone being rude to their waiter. Someone aggressively muttering, “talk about clueless!” to a group of people blocking the sidewalk.
Yes, I get annoyed and irritable too. Personal pet peeve: people blocking the grocery store aisle with their cart, completely unaware that I’m waiting. It probably doesn’t help that I hate grocery shopping to begin with. But how many times have I been that oblivious person … in need of someone else’s patience, tolerance, and kindness?
We can’t always be at our best, and even when we are, we can’t please everyone. We all need a little grace.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Lengthen your fuse
If you’re feeling reactive, irritable, and short-fused, it may help to start giving yourself some kindness. To practice lengthening your fuse in the moment, here are a few things to try:
Take a deep breath (or several). Sounds basic, but it’s effective in calming your nervous system.
Count to 10 or do a math problem. This activates your prefrontal cortex and can take you out of a more emotional amygdala response.
Take a break. Insert a pause between the precipitant and your reaction.
Make up a more generous story. For example, substitute “What an inconsiderate @#$%!!” with “Maybe they have a lot on their mind.”
Think about how you’d like to be treated in the same situation. Or, think about how you’d like someone to treat your child, or mom, or…
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!
Do you typically have a long or short fuse?
If you’ve experienced or witnessed incivility in the workplace, how did it affect employee connection?
