60. Be your own BFF ... by being nicer to yourself.
Are you feeling a little tired? Gloomy? Anxious? There’s a lot going on (always), and it can wear you down.
So, if you need a break, and maybe a little nurturing (and who doesn’t?), this one’s for you. Especially if you tend to be hard or yourself, constantly push yourself, or feel like you never measure up (to the impossible standard du jour).
“Self-care” has gotten a bad rap, but it is important to care for yourself and treat yourself with kindness.
Data point of the week
In an article for Mindful, leading self-compassion experts Drs. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer share the benefits of self-kindness:
“Individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater happiness, life satisfaction and motivation, better relationships and physical health, and less anxiety and depression. They also have the resilience needed to cope with stressful life events…”
Reflection:
We often wait and hope for acceptance, love, and care from others … but as bell hooks so wisely puts it in her book, All About Love: New Visions:
"One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others. There was a time when I felt lousy about my over-forty body, saw myself as too fat, too this, or too that. Yet I fantasized about finding a lover who would give me the gift of being loved as I am.
It is silly, isn't it, that I would dream of someone else offering to me the acceptance and affirmation I was withholding from myself.”
She goes on to say, "Do not expect to receive the love from someone else you do not give yourself."
So good!
I would even go so far as to say that the way we treat ourselves role models for others how we expect to be treated. (BTW, this is never an excuse for poor treatment).
And, as much as we long for love and acceptance from others, it’s very difficult to truly let love in in areas where we don’t accept ourselves.
We think that being hard on ourselves is just that—being hard on ourselves—but it’s also hard on the people we’re close to. It’s painful to witness someone you care about tearing themselves down. Or to say something positive only to have it discounted because it conflicts with their negative view of themselves.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Practice self-compassion
You can do this practice as a writing exercise or listen to one of Kristin Neff’s guided audio practices
Choose a compassionate point of view (POV). For example, a supportive friend, relative, or fictional character.
Identify an area where you are self-critical, hard on yourself, or are having negative thoughts or feelings.
Name all the feelings you have associated with this. For example, what feelings come up in response to self-criticism? Try to accept all of your emotions without judgment. From the compassionate POV you chose, offer yourself empathy and compassion.
Now expand your awareness to include other people who may share similar experiences or emotions. Feel the connection you have with them through this shared experience. Feel compassion for them, and gradually expand this to include yourself.
From the compassionate POV that you chose, offer yourself words of kindness, support, and encouragement. What do you need to hear right now? Offer those words to yourself.
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!
What’s an area where you’re particularly hard on yourself? What’s an area where you’re kinder to yourself, or give yourself some grace?
