52. Lessons on connection from babies and a bad job interview

Data point of the week
Being responsive, in our body language and facial expressions, let’s the person we’re interacting with know that we’re with them. It’s what makes communication a reciprocal exchange, and it’s an important way to express caring.

The Still Face Experiment is a clear demonstration of how important this nonverbal communication is, how early we start learning it, and how disturbing it can be when those cues are absent.

Reflection
I remember first seeing the Still Face Experiment video in a class during my social work program. It was used to illustrate the impact of having a depressed parent—with flat facial expressions—on attachment. It made a strong impression.

It makes me wonder what impact trying to engage with someone staring at their phone has on attachment and social learning?

Even as adults it’s deeply unsettling to be talking with someone who remains expressionless.

I once had a job interview where the hiring committee didn’t show any reaction to my responses to their questions. It was disorienting … I had no way to gauge whether to keep talking, shut up, or change directions. It was one of the worst interviews of my life, so I was surprised to get a job offer … which I rejected because who wants to work in that kind of environment?

Responding to “bids for connection” helps people feel oriented, connected, and valued in the interaction. We need verbal and nonverbal feedback.

Connection Skill & Action Step: Be responsive with your body language and facial expressions
To try this, pick a time you’ll be interacting with someone, and pay attention to your own body language and facial expressions. This may feel a little self-conscious and awkward, but it’s worth practicing.

What are you signaling to the other person? Here are a few nonverbal ways to show you’re interested and build connection:

• Make eye contact. Meet their gaze without staring. Glance away and look back to give space.

• Nod.

• Show emotional reactions with your facial expression. Smile, grimace, or otherwise reflect what they’re saying (without overdoing).

• Mirror (or loosely match) their body language.

• Give your full attention. Notice if you’re fidgeting or distracted and bring yourself back.

Questions (Please share your responses in the comments):
When have you tried to interact with someone who was “a blank slate?” How did it feel?

That facial expression motivates continued scratching!