40. Set up "automatic recurring connections" and relieve loneliness
One of the biggest reasons we’re experiencing unprecedented rates of loneliness is because connecting has gotten harder. (Yes, “connecting” online is easy, but I’m talking about the kind of relationships that have enough depth and strength to meet our social and emotional needs.)
Not so long ago (in the grand scheme of things) we lived in tribes, villages, and communities with the same 200ish people. We KNEW everyone. We lived in larger, multi-generational households. Connecting with other people was built into our daily lives. It didn’t require any thought or effort on our part, it just happened. We rarely met new people or had to figure out how to start a relationship from scratch.
Now we’ve entered completely new social territory! We come into contact with exponentially more people … but in mostly superficial ways. More people live alone than ever before. Fewer people are getting married. We’re having fewer children. We’re more likely to start new jobs, go to new schools, and move to new geographical areas than in the past.
That means we regularly need to exercise the skill of meeting new people and developing friendships with them. And most of us weren’t taught HOW to do that. Even though it’s arguably the most important skill there if we want to lead a “good life.”
Even if you’re successful at building good relationships, then you need to maintain them. That might mean texting back and forth 10 times just to pin down a coffee date two weeks from now.
It’s no wonder we’re lonely. Like I said, it’s gotten much harder to connect. It takes effort. Social science tells us that the harder something is, the less likely we are to do it. Which is why I’ll never run a marathon! Or run period … unless it’s after a tennis ball, pickle ball, or away from a bear (this isn’t an unlikely scenario, given the regular bear sightings in our yard)!
If we want to end loneliness, we need to make connection easier.
Data point of the week
The most successful companies in the world have mastered the art of making it easy (to buy from them). Take a look at Amazon. It’s now the second biggest company in the world, valued at over one trillion dollars. That’s 1,000,000,000,000. It’s hard to comprehend all those zeros!
I’m convinced that their success is in large part because they’ve streamlined, simplified, and automated, so that we can lie on the couch and buy with the click of a button. It’s SO. INCREDIBLY. EASY.
Reflection
Making something easy can also help bridge the gap between knowing, wanting, and doing.
We might know connection is good for us. We might genuinely want to meet new people, spend more time with friends, etc. We might even know the steps we need to take (join a local club, be better at staying in touch, etc.)
The problem isn’t lack of knowledge or motivation. It’s lack of action, usually because the effort feels too great. If I feel tired (which is a lot), then I don’t feel like reaching out to a friend. There’s always later.
But if we can make it easy, we’re more likely to follow through. One way to may it easy is to set up what I call “Automatic Recurring Connections.” That makes connection our default.
Action Step: Set up “Automatic Recurring Connections”
When you set up an automatic recurring payment, you only need to expend effort once and then the work is done for you.
Instead of getting bogged down in that text exchange for a one-off coffee date, think about ways you can set up “automatic recurring connections,” so that your social time is built into your schedule without you having to think about it or muster up the energy to initiate.
Automatic Recurring Connections take the work out of connecting, and leverage “pre-commitment,” which means you decide what you’re going to do in advance (pre-commit) and then all you need to do is show up. This is also a great strategy because we tend to make better decisions for our future selves (based on our goals, values, and what’s best for us) than we do for our present selves (based on how we feel in the moment).
Some examples of Automatic Recurring Connections include:
A monthly book group, knitting club, or games night
A weekly volunteer activity, sports practice or ProjectConnect group
A daily phone check-in with a family member
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!
What “automatic recurring connections” have you had at different points in your life?
How did it feel to have at least some connection built into your calendar compared to times when you had to make an effort to make connection happen?
A daily walk with a friend