85. Reduce social anxiety or discomfort in 2 seconds
Data point of the week
Studies like this one, show that talking to yourself in the third person—using your name rather than “I”—in a stressful situation creates psychological distance, reduces emotional reactivity, and increases self-control.
Another series of studies looked at how third person self-talk functions in socially stressful situations (trying to make a good first impression and public speaking). They found that the group that didn’t use first-person pronouns performed better according to objective raters, displayed less distress, and engaged in less “maladaptive postevent processing.” This was especially true for participants who experienced social anxiety.
The researchers concluded that talking to oneself in the third person creates self-distancing, which allows people to appraise stressors as a challenge vs. a threat. Small shifts in language can help people regulate their thoughts, feelings, and behavior under social stress, even for people with social anxiety.
Reflection
I love a strategy that’s free, takes a couple seconds, and has a positive impact on mood and behavior! But it’s hard to remember in the moment … especially if it’s an emotional moment, where it has the most impact. Like so many things, it’s all about practice. This is something I try, forget about, remind myself of, try again, and so on.
Social anxiety is a big barrier to connection. It can cause us to avoid social situations altogether or make us preoccupied and stiff. But social anxiety isn’t the only circumstance where heightened emotions sabotage connection. This strategy can be used any time emotions are running high.
For example, I recently heard an interview with someone who shared that he tells himself, “The me is angry” anytime he’s in a conflict with his wife … and he credits this simple phrase with the health of his marriage! The language sounds weird (feel free to use your own name instead of “the me”), but as long as you talk to yourself silently, what’s the harm in trying? You may crack yourself up!
There’s a mindfulness practice, called “noting” that involves noticing and narrating your thoughts and emotions. This shifts your brain activity from the amygdala to the prefrontal cortex, which creates more emotional distance and allows you to act more thoughtfully. To make this practice even more powerful, consider using 3rd person pronouns in your narration.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Talk to Yourself in the 3rd Person
To try this out, talk to yourself in the 3rd person anytime you’d like to put a little space between you and your emotions. If you’d like to get into the habit of doing this, it may be helpful to practice narrating your thoughts and feelings periodically during the day, not just at times of heightened stress.
To use this skill specifically to build connection, try talking to yourself in the 3rd person when you’re feeling heightened emotions in interpersonal situations, such as social anxiety or conflict.
For example:
Instead of experiencing your emotions with no narration at all (most common)
Or narrating them in the first person, “I’m anxious/angry/stressed/overwhelmed, etc.”
Narrate what you’re feeling in the third person, “Jessica is feeling anxious/angry/stressed/overwhelmed/etc.”
Questions. Please share your responses in the comments.
How do you think your self-talk affects your mood? Your relationships? Your self-image?
