27. Attend to "bids" for connection ... it's a key behavior in healthy relationships
Some of our interpersonal behaviors have an outsized impact—while others make very little difference. When you feel like you can’t do ALL. THE. THINGS. to be a good friend, colleague, partner, try this one thing.
What? Connection Factoid
According to a study by Cigna, 1 in 4 Americans rarely or never feel as though people really understand them.
This may be because of how we respond to what relationships expert Dr. John Gottman, calls “bids for connection.”
After 40+ years of observing couples interact, Gottman found that how people respond to these bids is the single most important behavior separating healthy relationships from unhealthy ones. And the same pattern shows up in other relationships as well.
Bids are gestures that request attention and initiate connection. They can be subtle or explicit and include asking a question, sharing a story, expressing affection or voicing a concern.
There are three types of responses to bids:
Turning against—responding with anger, irritability, criticism.
Turning away—being distracted, ignoring, and using non-committal responses like “uh-huh.”
Turning toward—responding with attention, engagement, interest, positivity.
Gottman found that couples who were still married after six years turned towards each other 86% of the time on average, whereas couples that divorced averaged 33%.
Credit: Sketchplanations
So What?
Don’t you hate it when you’re talking to someone and it’s obvious that they’re not really paying attention? I do. This is event more common now that our phones constantly compete for our attention. Of course, I’m guilty of this too. Sometimes it requires conscious effort to notice a bid and pull myself away from what I’m doing.
If you imagine each of your relationships as having their own emotional bank account, every turning toward is a deposit. Every turning away is a micro-withdrawal—and turning against is a big one. If the bank account gets overdrawn, the relationship starts to break down.
It’s not just noticing and responding to bids that matters. We can also become better bidders by communicating more clearly. If our bid is met with a turning away response, instead of giving up, we can re-bid with a more explicit ask. For example, “I was hoping to talk to you. Can you let me know when you’re done with ____?”
Now What? Connection Practice: Become a Better Bidder—and Responder
To practice this skill, pay attention to bids for connection.
Notice when others make bids for your attention and how you respond. Try to practice “turning toward,” giving them your attention, and really listening. If you can’t, communicate that rather than ignoring them. For example, “Hold on, I’m in the middle of ___. Can you wait a minute?”
Notice how you make bids for attention and how others respond. Are your bids clear? Is there anything you can adjust to become a better bidder?
What about you? Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!
Where do you notice bids for connection getting missed more—in your work, home, or friendships?
Have you noticed shifts in how people respond to bids for connection over time? If so, what do you think is driving those changes?
That’s turning toward!