9. Mirror. It's a secret superpower!
Mirroring is a powerful connection skill that can be used for good—such as to build trust and rapport—or for less ethical purposes, such as making sales or influencing decisions.
Mirroring involves reflecting another person’s body language by matching your own position, posture and tone to theirs. It often happens automatically when two people have established a rapport, but it can also be practiced consciously, to build trust, liking, and closeness.
Data point of the week
Scientists have used functional MRIs to study what’s going on in the brain when we mirror and found that listeners and speakers were “dynamically coupled,” with their brains reacting and adapting to signals from each other … kind of like a wireless bonding of brains.
Mirroring is so powerful that it’s taught to salespeople to help them sell more products. An article in the Wall Street Journal highlights a study in which retail salespeople were told to mirror the nonverbal and verbal behavior of customers. These salespeople sold more products—and their customers had a more positive opinion of the store—than the salespeople who hadn’t mirrored.
Another study found that students who mirrored in a simulated negotiation reached an agreement 67% of the time, while those who didn’t mirror only came to an agreement 12.5% of the time.
Reflection
We usually think of our brains as running the show, dictating how we act and respond. However, I was just reading (in The Extended Mind) that our bodies are often the first to react. They then pass this information on to the brain.
Mirroring seems to work the same way. We take on the posture or facial expression of another person, our body generates what that feels like, and then tells our brain. This allows us to feel into another person’s experience—creating connection and empathy.
We often mirror other people unconsciously, particularly people we’re close with and spend a lot of time with. When my partner and I are out in public, we mirror so much that she purposely tries to de-synchronize so that we don't look like clones! (I’m typically oblivious).
It’s a little unsettling that mirroring can also be used to make sales, or sway decisions. But maybe this is true of all connection skills? Maybe we’ll also buy more from people who smile, listen well, and validate our concerns? In any case, the next time you're shopping for an expensive item, if you don’t want your choice to be influenced, pay close attention to the salesperson who helps you, and un-match your body language!
Connection Skill & Action Step: Mirror
To practice this skill, pay attention other people’s body language in your one-to-one interactions and try to match your own body language to theirs. Mirroring builds trust, liking, and closeness. If you’re skeptical and want to experiment, try seeing how you feel when you match body language, and when you deliberately de-synchronize your body language.
Note: Mirroring will backfire if it’s obvious that you’re imitating the other person, as that is sure to feel weird and uncomfortable! Try to roughly match your position and posture to theirs rather than mimicking every gesture.
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments. We love hearing from you!
Have you ever been hanging out with a friend and noticed that you’re in exactly the same position, or are using the same gestures?
If you’ve tried consciously mirroring someone to connect with them, how did it go?
