114. Let Them. Or Don't Let Them.
Have you heard of the “Let Them Theory” which has gone viral on the interwebs? Well, now there’s my “Don’t Let Them,” counter-theory, which you are the very first to hear about! 😂
Data point of the week
The “Let Them Theory” has been popularized by podcast host and author Mel Robbins, but the idea originated with a poem by Cassie Phillips, which is excerpted below.
At its core, it’s a reminder to stop trying to control or manage other people’s lives, feelings, opinions, and behaviors. Instead, “let them” be who they are and do as they will. Focus on what you can control: your own reactions and actions. A modern take on “live and let live.”
LET THEM
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.
Let them lose you.
You were never theirs because you were always your own.
So let them.
—Cassie Phillips
You can see the full poem here.
Reflection
I’m in full agreement that trying to change other people is a recipe for frustration and stress. Believe me, I’ve tried it! It doesn’t work. It’s good advice to focus less on what other people think and more on living your own life.
But what if someone is behaving egregiously, or treating you poorly? In this TikTok, Mel Robbins says, “Let them treat me like garbage.” Instead of asking, “Why are they treating me like this?” ask yourself, “Why am I allowing this?” Focus on your own behavior and choices, such as who you spend time with.
But truly, if someone is treating you like garbage, DON’T LET THEM!
Sure, you could just decide not to hang out with that person anymore, but what if it’s someone you care about? Or a family member or co-worker who you want—or need—to continue to interact with?
Having good relationships often means working on things TOGETHER, not just working on your own actions and reactions.
Also, let’s not confuse “letting them” with avoidance.
Amidst conflict, difference, or tension, it can feel easier (in the moment) to just let things slide. Ignore. Suppress. Avoid hard conversations and the uncomfortable feelings they bring up. And now you can tell yourself you’re not being avoidant, you’re “letting them”!
It’s not a virtue to “let them” off the hook for behavior that’s damaging your relationship. How you react to their behavior is important information. If you’re feeling hurt, silenced, devalued, etc. it’s a signal that something isn’t right and needs to be addressed.
Maybe you can address it without their help. For example, are your own abandonment issues making you feel insecure in your friendship, or is it truly their behavior? Or a combination?
On the other hand, maybe you need to address it with them. Maybe they’ll even want to change once they know how you feel.
And please, don’t just “let them” self-destruct.
If someone you care about is spiraling out of control with depression, an eating disorder, substances, etc. don’t just “let them.” The person struggling may interpret a hands-off approach as “nobody cares” or “clearly there’s no problem, or someone would have said something.” You’re not responsible for “fixing” their life, but expressing your concerns and offering support can make a big difference. Even if they don’t change right away.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Let Them. Or Don’t Let Them.
Here’s where Mel Robbins and I agree: when you have an emotional reaction to someone else’s behavior, don’t try to change them. Focus first on yourself.
Identify your reaction. Are you annoyed, hurt, angry?
Why? Is this more about you, them, or a combination of both?
Choose to Let Them or Not to Let Them
Let Them when it’s a “don’t sweat the small stuff” situation. Maybe they’re chronically late, or interrupt you when you’re speaking, or leave their stuff everywhere. It’s up to you to decide what’s worth addressing and what you can let go of. If it’s helpful, remind yourself to “Let Them.” Take a deep breath to let go. Re-focus your attention on what’s important to you. That might be their positive qualities, the importance of the relationship, or getting back to your own priorities.
Don’t Let Them when their behavior is hurting you, others, or your relationship. Are you left with festering feelings? Is avoiding the issue making you feel disconnected? How do you want to address it? This might involve having a difficult conversation and letting them know how you feel. You might even ask them to change their behavior. It’s up to them if they do or don’t. You’re not trying to control them, you’re trying to work on solving the problem jointly, and making things better between you. If you’ve tried to work things out and nothing changes, then you can decide on whether or not you want to set boundaries, end the relationship, or take other steps.
One last thing. You may also want to try the “Let Me Theory.”
LET ME
If I feel hurt, disappointed, or angry, LET ME.
If I can’t “rise above” being upset, LET ME.
If I want to understand where you’re coming from, LET ME.
If I choose to talk with you about how you treat me, LET ME.
If I make an effort to repair a conflict, LET ME.
If I invite you to join me in building a strong relationship, LET ME.
Let me accept that my feelings are normal and healthy.
Let me be courageous enough to listen to what my emotions are telling me.
Let me be human.
—Jessica Gifford
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!
When do you feel like it’s helpful to “Let Them”?
When is it important not to let them?
Cats are good at “letting them” … until they’re not!
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