99. Break up with a friend. Are you in a friendship that's harmful to your health?
Do you have someone in your life you’d like to break up with?
Data point of the week
Our social networks may not be as stable as we’d like to think. Research by sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst found that while the size of our friendship group remains relatively constant over time, the people in our group is constantly changing. “You lose about half of your close network members every seven years.”
A major reason for this fluctuation is that many friendships are contextual. Our work friends stay at work while we move onto another job or retire. Our neighborhood friendships don’t come with us when we move. Friendships thrive on frequent contact, which takes effort to maintain when you’re not in each other’s daily lives.
And then there are the friendships we end intentionally. An article in Forbes states that “84% of women and 75% of men report having a toxic friend at some point.” Such relationships can contribute to stress, burnout, and depression. One study reported that we cut off an average of five relationships over the course of our lives—with friends or family members—due to “massive fallout.”
Reflection
In an Atlantic article, Jennifer Senior notes that friendships are valuable specifically because you choose them, “You have to continually opt in. That you choose it is what gives it its value.”
And … sometimes opting out is the healthiest choice. A friend of mine refers her friendship housecleaning as “the great purge of ’92.”
Of course, we may not be able to break up with everyone we’d like to! (A survey by the American Psychological Association found that 75% of Americans say their boss is the most stressful part of their day.) Or the difficult person may be a family member you want to maintain a relationship with, despite everything. And some people decide that—at least for the time being—even crappy friends are better than no friends. If you have relationships that are affecting you negatively, and can’t—or don’t want to—break up, boundary-setting or other strategies can minimize the harm.
If you’re contemplating breaking up with someone, this might help.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Break up with a friend
Ending a relationship is not something to be taken lightly, but in some cases it’s the best way forward. Some things to consider:
What impact does this person have on you, positive and negative? How do they make you feel about yourself? How do they influence your behavior?
Some “red flag” behaviors to consider:
They’re critical, judgmental, negative, insulting, or shaming.
They’ve betrayed you or are untrustworthy.
The friendship is chronically unbalanced (everything is centered on them, including support, listening, what you do together, etc.)
You don’t enjoy spending time with them, you no longer like them, or you don’t like who you are when you’re with them.
Can you have a conversation with your friend to try to repair the damage and address the dynamic? Can you set boundaries or take some time apart from each other? Can you gradually let the relationship fade out by spending less time together, or shift this person from your inner circle to your outer circle?
If you determine it’s time to break up, and this is a person you care about—or cared about at some point—muster up the courage to have a conversation with them and let them know where you’re at. Ghosting is painful and doesn’t give you or the other person the opportunity to grow. Use “I statements” to share why you’re ending the relationship. For example:
“I’ve been feeling ________ in our friendship for (amount of time), and that’s not something I’m okay with. I need to (end our friendship/take some space).”
If they want to know why, you can name specific actions, or changes in dynamics that have led you to this point.
Tip: plan what you want to say in advance. It can be helpful to write some things down and/or rehearse a couple times to make sure you say the things you need to.
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments.
Have you ever broken up with a friend, or been broken up with? What impact did the breakup have, for better or for worse? Would you handle things the same way if you were to do it again?
