24. Initiate, invite, involve
Who initiates more, you or your friends?
Data point of the week
You can get a well-being boost from giving social support as well as from receiving it. But what about when there’s an imbalance in giving and receiving in an ongoing relationship? Well, there’s a study on that! The findings were that:
“Greater levels of both receiving and giving social support were independently associated with more favorable psychological well-being, while imbalance in the ratio of support given and received was associated with poorer psychological well-being.”
Not surprising, but a good reminder of the importance of maintaining an overall balance of giving and receiving in friendships.
Reflection
I first heard about the concept of emotional labor from Seth Godin. I like this term because it makes visible the often-unrecognized work—mostly done by women and other disadvantaged groups—carried out behind the scenes to make things run smoothly.
In friendships, it’s not unusual for one person to disproportionately assume the emotional labor of initiating, which includes tolerating the potential awkwardness and vulnerability.
This is part of a series of “Make an Awkward Effort” cards, to normalize that connecting can be awkward, and is worth the effort!
Not that relationships should be tit for tat—people give in different ways. But when one person rarely initiates, it can lead the initiator to question the friendship. “Do they really like me/want to hang out with me?”
When I was young, I NEVER initiated or invited people to do things … out of insecurity. I was less afraid of outright rejection, and more afraid that the other person would accept because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Cringe. When someone else initiated, I could be confident they really wanted to spend time with me.
But what if the other person felt similarly insecure and was waiting for me to initiate? If everyone took this approach, we’d all be sitting around alone, hoping for someone to ask us to do something!
It’s vulnerable to initiate connection with someone you’re just getting to know and invite them to do something with you. Even in long-term friendships, initiating, inviting, and involving requires emotional labor. Healthy, satisfying relationships rely on both parties being roughly equally invested and sharing the division of emotional labor.
When I re-framed initiating as a contribution to the friendship, it made me feel like it was worth the effort and risk. Becoming an initiator has widened and strengthened my social circle. What about the fear of people saying yes out of obligation? Not my responsibility. It’s up to the invitation recipient to take one the emotional labor of deciding—and acting on—what’s right for them.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Initiate, Invite, Include
To practice this skill, be an initiator this week. Call someone you’d like to catch up with. Plan a get-together. Invite a friend to join you in an activity. If you want to broaden your social circle, or help other people develop friendships, you can always initiate bringing ProjectConnect to your organization and run groups to help people connect!
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!
Are you an initiator, or are you more likely to wait for someone else to initiate?
How do you feel about initiating? How do you feel when other people initiate?
The friendship may be lopsided if one party is doing most of the work!