18. Let love in … it’s the cure for insecurity
Data Point of the Week
People with low self-esteem tend to underestimate their value to their friends and partners—and to resist taking in positive feedback from them—which can weaken their relationships.
One study assessed whether individuals with low self-esteem could take positive feedback to heart more readily by reframing it. They found that when participants were asked to describe the meaning and significance of the compliments, they:
“felt more positively about the compliments, about themselves, and about their relationships—as positively as people with high self-esteem (HSEs) felt.”
These effects were still evident two weeks later, increasing the sense of security and satisfaction participants felt in their relationships.
From DeStress Monday
Reflection
To have a sense of belonging and connection, we don’t just need to BE loved and cared for, we need to FEEL loved and cared for. Which means we need to let in the love and caring that’s offered to us.
I struggled with this for a long time. When people expressed compliments or caring, I minimized it. “They’re just being nice,” or “They wouldn’t feel that way if they really knew me” or “This is temporary - they’ll change their mind.” Ugh.
Somehow it felt dangerous to let myself believe—and take in—the kindness that was offered to me. Somehow it felt self-protective to minimize or reject any caring that came my way. Maybe it guarded against future disappointment? Regardless of the reasons for deflecting expressions of caring, this behavior kept me stuck feeling lonely and insecure.
Two mindset shifts helped me get out of this rut and take in the positivity that comes my way.
I recognized that deflecting caring was achieving the opposite result of what I wanted … which was to feel socially comfortable and confident, and secure in my relationships. I decided that since I can’t read people’s minds, I might as well trust what they say. And in the absence of explicit information, I might as well choose to believe people like me (which serves my goals) rather than that they don’t (which undermines my goals).
I realized that when someone offers me a compliment, invitation, care, attention, etc., it doesn’t just hurt me to reject it—it also devalues what they’ve offered me. Seeing positivity as a gift helps me accept it more gracefully and show appreciation to the giver.
Of course, these are both ongoing practices. But learning to let in love, care, and affection has been transformative over time and has more or less cured me of insecurity.
Activity: Let Love In
Practice actively taking in every morsel of kindness, care and love that comes your way. If you catch yourself discounting or minimizing:
Take a moment to recognize and acknowledge the knee-jerk mental habit or rejecting positive input
Choose to see the compliment, feedback, or kindness as a gift
Practice describing the meaning and significance of the positive interaction (as in the study above)
Practice receiving, absorbing, and savoring the positive interaction… for 20+ seconds if you want to transfer these moments into long-term memory and start rewiring your brain toward positivity.
Become a sponge, soaking up all the positive feedback that comes your way. Or become a collector and connoisseur of positive interactions.
Questions. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you! (when prompted, share your first name and “post as guest.”)
Can you relate to dismissing or minimizing positive interactions and feedback? If so, why is it so hard to take in positive feedback?
How does this affect you? Your relationships?
