43. Three Reasons to Accept Compliments

Truly taking in compliments can change the way we see ourselves, help build confidence, and strengthen connection between you and the compliment-giver.

Data point of the week
You may have heard the statistic that men apply for jobs when they meet 60% of the qualifications, whereas women only apply if they meet all of the qualifications.

The book, The Confidence Code, describes a similar study in which participants were asked to take a test, and were told to answer ALL of the questions regardless of whether they were sure of the answer. Both men and women got 80% right.

When asked how confident they were about their answers, men guessed that they got 93% right and women estimated they got 75% right.

Reflection
What does this have to do with compliments?

Women have a particularly hard time taking in compliments and positive feedback because we are socialized to be humble, downplay our strengths, and to be other-centered, NOT self-centered. This is no doubt true of other less advantaged groups as well. And it’s problematic.

It’s hard to hold a positive image of yourself if you reject all positive incoming information.

This tendency isn’t completely gendered … the brain’s natural negativity bias has been described as “Teflon for the good and velcro for the bad,” meaning we tend to cling to negative experiences and let positive ones slide off. However, this skew is magnified in women, who are more likely to dwell on—and ruminate about—negative experiences, and less likely to take ownership of positive qualities, strengths, and accomplishments.

Negative thinking is both a symptom and cause of depression, and this amplified negative skew in women is a big part of why we are twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with depression.

One of the antidotes to depression is to counteract the negativity bias by consciously savoring positive experiences. Which brings us to why it’s important to practice getting better at receiving compliments.

Reason #1
Taking in and savoring compliments will help offset the negativity bias and reduce depression.

Reason #2
When you accept and absorb compliments it will gradually build your confidence and change how you see yourself, which can lead to taking more risks and living a bigger life. If you identify as a woman—or hold a minoritized identity—greater confidence can help close the opportunity gap described in the data point above. Try re-framing receiving compliments as a way to counteract cultural conditioning to stay small and as a step towards greater equity.

Reason #3
Receiving compliments gracefully builds connection. Genuine compliments are a gift. Instead of shrugging off the gift, if you receive it with grace—and even enthusiasm—it recognizes the value of what the compliment-giver has offered you. Imagine how different it feels to the compliment-giver to hear, “Thanks, I appreciate that,” or “Thanks, that makes my day,” versus “Oh, it’s nothing.” Receiving their appreciation of you provides a little mood boost and strengthens connection.

Connection Skill & Action Step: Receive compliments gracefully and savor them 
We often automatically reject compliments out of discomfort, “oh no, I’m not really…” or minimize them, “it wasn’t a big deal…” If this is you, practice simply saying, “Thank you.”

Practice trying to really take in and savor the compliment, if not in the moment, then later. You may even want to create a Compliments Collection and write down or save meaningful compliments to revisit from time to time. I’ve created a “good stuff” folder in my email inbox and look through it when I’m feeling down. Imagine what could happen if you started to dwell on and rehash positive feedback for a change?!

If it’s difficult to accept the compliment because it doesn’t feel true or accurate, try simply saying thanks, and noting to yourself that the compliment-giver may see you differently than you see yourself.

If you want to practice giving great compliments, check out this post.

Questions (Please share in the comments):
How do you feel about receiving compliments? If you’ve practiced receiving compliments gracefully, how did it go?

Have you received any compliments that helped change the way you see yourself (in a good way)?