43. Three Reasons to Accept Compliments
If compliments make you squirm, you're not alone.
Data point of the week
In a study by Harvard Business Review, nearly 70% of people said they felt embarrassed or uncomfortable receiving a compliment.
This may be because compliments throw us into a state of internal conflict between contradictory social “rules.”
Rule #1: Be agreeable. Therefore, we should agree with the complimenter.
Rule # 2: Be humble. Therefore, we should avoid self-praise and reject the compliment.
Reflection
Women in particular are socialized to downplay our strengths, focus on others, and NEVER be self-centered. This is no doubt true of most disadvantaged groups. And it’s problematic.
How can you develop a positive image of yourself without taking in positive information/feedback? And how can you take in positive information/feedback if it’s completely out of alignment with your (negative) view of yourself? It’s a vicious cycle.
Rejecting compliments isn’t completely gendered though. The brain’s “negativity bias” has been described as “Teflon for the good and velcro for the bad,” meaning that we tend to cling to negative experiences and let positive ones slide off. If you've ever dwelt on, ruminated, or obsessed about a negative experience, then you know what I mean!
These types of negative thinking habits contribute to depression and anxiety. One of the antidotes is to counteract the negativity bias by consciously savoring positive experiences. Which brings us back to getting better at receiving compliments. Here are 3 reasons why:
Reason #1: Counteract your brain’s negativity bias.
Taking in and savoring compliments helps offset the negativity bias, which will reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Reason #2: Improve your confidence and self-image
When you truly absorb compliments, it gradually builds your confidence and changes how you see yourself. And more confidence can lead to taking more risks and living a bigger life. If you’re a woman—or have a minoritized identity—try reframing receiving compliments as a way to counteract the cultural conditioning to stay small. Accepting and embracing your amazingness is a political act!
Reason #3: Strengthen relationships
Genuine compliments are a gift. When you receive that gift gracefully, it shows appreciation for what the compliment-giver has offered you and brings you closer together. Think of how different it feels to give a compliment and hear, “Thanks! That makes my day!” versus “Oh, it’s nothing.” The way you receive a compliment can give the compliment-giver a little burst of happiness.
Connection Skill Action Step: Receive compliments gracefully and savor them
We often automatically reject compliments out of discomfort, “oh no, I’m not really…” or minimize them, “it wasn’t a big deal…” If this is you, practice simply saying, “Thank you” or “I appreciate you saying that.”
Try to really take in and savor the compliment, if not in the moment, then later. You may even want to create a Compliments Collection and write down or save meaningful compliments to revisit from time to time. I’ve created a “good stuff” folder in my email inbox to look through it when I need a mood boost. Imagine what might happen if you started to dwell on and rehash positive feedback for a change?!
If it’s difficult to accept the compliment because it doesn’t feel true or accurate, try simply saying thanks, and noting to yourself that the compliment-giver may see you differently than you see yourself.
If you want to practice giving great compliments, check out this post.
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!
How do you feel about receiving compliments? If you’ve practiced receiving compliments gracefully, how did it go?
Have you received a compliment that helped change the way you see yourself (in a good way)?
