44. Make a memory
Photo by Jon Tyson
Spending time together is important to building connection, but not all “together time” is created equal. Some brings us closer, some drives us further apart, and some does nothing for us at all.
Data point of the week
In fact, when Jeffrey Hall conducted a study on how long it takes to make a friend, he learned that time together in the classroom or in the workplace DID NOT contribute to getting closer. (Of course, you can intentionally facilitate relationship-building in both these settings, which is a basically what I help people do)!
Reflection
HOW you spend time together matters when it comes to feeling connected. One way to pack a lot of connection power into a short amount of time is to make a memory together.
Sharing experiences—even with a complete stranger—intensifies that experience compared to going through the same thing alone. You’ve probably noticed that when something good happens—or you see something beautiful or out of the ordinary—you have the impulse to share it.
For example, right now I almost feel like this backyard fall display of flowers is “wasted” without more people seeing it … but now I’ve shared it with you!
These morning glories were super-late bloomers this year. Iggy (bottom right) is smelling the flowers!
I’ve been loving this fall clematis growing up and spilling over our shed.
Research confirms that we find pleasure more pleasurable and enjoyment more enjoyable when shared with others. A Very Important Study found that study participants liked dark chocolate more—and found it more flavorful—when they ate it with another study participant versus when they ate it alone. (Does this mean I should stop eating dark chocolate alone?!) 🤔
Positive experiences are not only more enjoyable in the moment when they’re shared with someone else, they can become an ongoing point of connection later, when we recall and reminisce about the experience.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Make a Memory
We often fall into the rut of routine with our friends and family. We do the same things together, and time goes by in a blur. Nothing stands out.
When we create a memorable experience, it sets it apart from the blur. To make something memorable, it’s helpful to keep the “peak-end rule” in mind. This dictates that not every moment is given equal storage space in our memory banks. When thinking back on past experiences, we recall peak moments and how we felt at the end. That's why it's hard to remember what you ate for breakfast yesterday. And why the pandemic feels like a haze of days.
To make a memory with a friend (partner, team, etc.) pay special attention to peaks and ends, and think about activities or experiences that:
Are novel, unique, or otherwise stand out from the day-to-day.
Inspire emotion such as awe, delight, surprise, wonder, curiosity, joy, excitement, etc.
Feel worthy of thinking back on and reminiscing about later.
This is an opportunity to play around. Here are a few ideas to spark your thinking:
Read a gratitude letter aloud to someone who has made a difference in your life (this will give you and them a major happiness boost, even if it makes your squirm).
Invent a tradition to commemorate your relationship, such as a personalized scavenger hunt, a music video, or recipe book.
Go on mini-adventure together … or a big one.
Undertake a major challenge together, such as climbing a mountain, performing (something) in public, etc.
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!
What’s a memorable experience that brought you closer to a friend? Do you still think back on, or reminisce about it with each other?
Going on adventures creates memories.