60. Let love in. Self-criticism damages relationships.
Data point of the week
In an article that summarizes self-compassion and its benefits, leading self-compassion experts Drs. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer state:
“Individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater happiness, life satisfaction and motivation, better relationships and physical health, and less anxiety and depression. They also have the resilience needed to cope with stressful life events…”
Reflection:
Today’s reflection is from bell hooks, from her book All About Love: New Visions.
"One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others. There was a time when I felt lousy about my over-forty body, saw myself as too fat, too this, or too that. Yet I fantasized about finding a lover who would give me the gift of being loved as I am.
It is silly, isn't it, that I would dream of someone else offering to me the acceptance and affirmation I was withholding from myself. This was a moment when the maxim "You can never love anybody if you are unable to love yourself" made clear sense. And I add, "Do not expect to receive the love from someone else you do not give yourself."
So true!
AND, as much as we may long for love and acceptance from others, it’s very difficult to truly let love in in areas where we don’t accept ourselves. We think that being hard on ourselves is just that—being hard on ourselves—but it also interferes with connection and is hard on the people who care about us.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Practice self-compassion
You can do this practice as a writing exercise or take a few minutes of quiet to close your eyes and respond to the following prompts silently or aloud.
Choose a compassionate point of view (POV). For example, a supportive friend, relative, or fictional character.
Identify an area where you are self-critical, hard on yourself, or are having negative thoughts or feelings.
Name all the feelings you have associated with this. For example, what feelings come up in response to self-criticism? Try to accept all of your emotions without judgment. From the compassionate POV you chose, offer yourself empathy and compassion.
Now expand your awareness to include other people who may share similar experiences or emotions. Feel the connection you have with them through this shared experience. Feel compassion for them, and gradually expand this to include yourself.
From the compassionate POV that you chose, offer yourself words of kindness, support, and encouragement. What do you need to hear right now? Offer those words to yourself.
If you’d like to explore more self-compassion exercises, you can visit Dr. Kristin Neff’s website.
Questions (Please share your responses in the comments):
How do you think self-criticism—and self-acceptance—impacts relationships?
