59. Comparison: thief of joy or secret to success?
Data point of the week
Negative social comparisons—measuring yourself against someone who is more (successful, popular, attractive, wealthy, fill in the blank)—are toxic to mental health.
One study, looking at the impact of Facebook use on depression, found that using Facebook in and of itself does not increase depression. However, if users experienced feelings of envy (often triggered by Facebook posts) it led to a significant increase in symptoms of depression. So, Facebook (and presumably other social media) doesn’t cause depression—it causes envy, which causes depression.
Other research has shown that satisfaction with income has less to do with any absolute amount (as long as basic needs can be met) and more to do with your income relative to your co-workers or neighbors. For example, people tend to be more satisfied making $50,000 when the people around them are making the same or less, than they would be making $75,000 when the people around them are making $100,000.
On a larger scale, countries with the largest income disparities have lower levels of life satisfaction country-wide. The more wealth the top 1% accumulates, the lower the level of life satisfaction and the more negative daily emotions (stress, worry, anger) citizens experience.
Reflection
Upward social comparisons lead us to focus on what we don’t have (and someone else does), haven’t accomplished, or are outright failing at. Social media is like a magnifying glass for this, because it multiplies the number of people we can negatively compare ourselves to (yay!) and most people are posting their highlights reel.
So yes, comparison is a thief of joy. Compare and despair.
However, what if we thought of comparison—and envy—as a signal? Rather than feeling shame about feeling envious, what if we asked ourselves, “Is this thing that I’m feeling envious about something I care about and want for myself?” If so, comparison could provide the motivational fuel you need to pursue a goal rather than being an instrument of self-flagellation.
In his 3-2-1 newsletter, James Clear suggests a simple guideline: If you are looking for misery, compare your accomplishments with other people’s. If you are looking for guidance, learning, and growth, compare your actions or processes with other people’s. How did they get from point A to point B? What specific actions led to their success, and how do these compare to the actions you are taking?
So yes, comparison can also be a secret to success.
Action Step: Don’t compare yourself to others… except sometimes
Pay attention to how comparing yourself to others—in-person, online, and in the media you consume—affects your mood.
Choose who you compare yourself with—these are usually the people you spend time with, follow or friend on social media, or watch in shows). The lives of the uber-rich and famous are on display like never before and are unattainable for most of us. For example, do the Kardashians generate envy and dissatisfaction with your own life, inspiration, or simply entertainment? Choose 1-2 people to pay attention to who are a couple years ahead of you in the direction you want to go in. They can inspire and provide clues as to how they got there.
When you feel envy, think of it as a signal, letting you know you want something. Can the person who triggered your envy serve as inspiration, or can you learn from how they achieved their success?
Notice if envy (dissatisfaction, resentment, etc.) is a reaction to inequities. As mentioned above, income disparities (and other disparities) increase negative emotions. If your emotions are in response to injustices, are there actions you can take to help address them in your organization, community, or nationally?
Questions (Please share your responses in the comments):
Has comparing yourself to others ever affected you in positive ways?
Do you have any strategies to minimize comparing yourself negatively with others?
