89. Rebuild, repair, restore: relationships need maintenance too.
Data point of the week
The Surgeon General’s advisory report on building social connection cites a 2022 study that “found that when people were asked how close they felt to others emotionally, only 39% of adults in the U.S. said that they felt very connected to others.”
That means 6 out of 10 adults don’t feel very connected to others.
Reflection
There are lots of reasons why people are feeling disconnected. More people live alone than ever before. Social networks have become broader, but shallower. Many interactions and conversations tend toward the superficial. People are struggling with being present, and listening attentively, which makes it hard to connect. And empathy has declined.
Friendships can also fizzle and die because of an unresolved conflict. Maybe there’s a difficult conversation that you’re avoiding, and it becomes the elephant in the room, making interactions forced and uncomfortable. Or maybe a blow-up made you give up on the relationship altogether.
No doubt there are times when it’s healthy to let a relationship go. I have a friend who refers to “the great purge of ‘92” in reference to undertaking a major friendship housecleaning. If you a have people in your life who generally make you feel bad about yourself, by all means, end the relationship (or set limits)!
But there are also relationships worth saving that we may have let fall into disrepair. Are there people—whom you care about—that you’ve become distant with because of things left unsaid? Or because of a conflict that’s been left unresolved?
Connection Skill & Action Step: Rebuild and Repair
Conflicts, missteps, and hurts are an inevitable part of relationships. Even if you (like many of us) are conflict avoidant, it’s really the conversation that’s being avoided while the conflict—and feelings—fester.
Relationships (like cars) require regular attention and maintenance. There may be minor dings and dents to attend to, or more major damage. If it’s a relationship you care about maintaining, consider investing some time and energy into repairing and rebuilding.
If you suspect—or know—that you’ve upset someone, consider making a genuine apology and invite the other person to share how your actions affected them.
If someone has hurt or upset you, consider talking with them about what happened. Use an “I statement” to express the impact of your actions, using the formula “When you ______, I felt_______.” You may want to ask them to help you understand why they acted as they did, or you may express how you’d like them to handle a situation in the future.
Have a conversation about how you can both rebuild and repair the relationship.
Anticipate that these conversations often feel uncomfortable, and that’s okay! And if trust has been broken, it may take time to rebuild.
Questions. Please share your responses in the comments.
How important do you think conflict management skills are to feeling connected?
Are there any people in your life that you regret drifting apart from or letting go? What would it look like to reach out and rebuild the relationship?
Relationships need maintenance too!